Our Circles of Motherhood

Welcome to Her Circle of Motherhood, where I connect with mothers from around the world to explore the beauty and complexity of parenting within communities. Today, I had the pleasure of sitting down with Debbie Foster, an entrepreneur and South African mother of two. She currently serves as the President of Shanghai Expatriate Association. We discussed how connection and shared wisdom have shaped her journey through motherhood.

―To start, please share a bit about yourself—what do you call your hometown?

My hometown is Durban, South Africa. It’s warm all the time, and the sun is always shining. Because the weather is tropical, many things can grow naturally. We have a lot of banana trees that nobody planted; they just grow there on their own.

―That’s beautiful. Are there any memories from that time that have stayed with you?

In my hometown, almost everyone has animals such as dogs, ducks, chickens, and rabbits. They roam around freely in yards since we have so much space. Many people also have tropical birds. In my home, we had a banana tree, an avocado tree, and a papaya tree, which we call “paw-paw.” We also grew mangoes, strawberries, tomatoes, and raspberries, which was a lot of fun.

―What a wonderful place to grow up!

It really was. When you walked around, you could often have a little surprise, like a snake dropping from a tree. But those snakes are usually harmless. Almost none of our animals, except for lions, are dangerous. So even if a snake fell nearby, I wouldn’t be afraid.

―Wow, I love how relaxed you sound about that! Then, later on, you ended up in Shanghai. Can you tell me how that came about?

My husband’s job offered an opening in China. Then we came for a look-and-see trip and fell in love. My kids have grown up here since they were little, and now they are 11 and 10.

―So your children have grown up alongside that journey. Now, can you tell us a bit about what you’re doing currently?

Currently, I serve as the President of Shanghai Expatriate Association, a non-profit, international, member-based organisation here in Shanghai. I’ve been in this role for a year and a half now, and I truly enjoy it.

Putting on Lipstick Between Bouts of Vomiting—My Honest Story of Pregnancy

―Beautiful, sounds like this role is very close to your heart. Now that you’ve mentioned your children, I’d like to rewind a bit and talk about your journey into motherhood. What do you remember about your pregnancy?

When I was pregnant, I suffered from a condition called hyperemesis gravidarum. It was much like what the Princess of England experienced—I would vomit every 10 to 30 minutes. I couldn’t even drink liquids, so I was sucking on ice cubes. Every three days, I had to go to the hospital for IV fluids.

―Wow…that sounds incredibly tough.

It really was. I remember some nights sleeping by the toilet, with a blanket and a pillow. I was vomiting so frequently that I would cry and tell my husband, “I can’t do this.” It went on for the full nine months.

―That must have been incredibly hard.

Absolutely. And I was working through the illness. I always had a bucket, toilet paper, and bubble gum by my side. While dealing with customers, I would say, “Oh, excuse me, I just need to go get my diary,” and then I would quickly excuse myself to throw up. Then I’d clean up and return. I was repeating this every 10 to 30 minutes.

―You really went through so much. How did you even manage to go to work?

I think it was because I had to work. If I had appointments with customers, I couldn’t simply reschedule them for tomorrow because I would still feel sick then. So, in a way, work helped me put on my makeup, smile, and get through each day.

―So your work gave you something to hold on to. Can you tell me what your business was about?

I was in the beauty industry. Back home, I owned three salons that offered services like nails, facials, and massages. When I decided to stay in China, I sold the business to one of my colleagues. I had those salons for 17 years; they were my passion and my baby.

―I can tell it was part of you, not just a career.

Definitely. And the customers became my friends. They would visit my salon every month, and I would ask them, “How was dinner?” or “Did your son come to visit?” I felt so connected to them, which is why I didn’t want to stop working.

―Those relationships meant so much to you.

Exactly. However, during the third trimester of both of my pregnancies, I often fainted, and I had to stop driving. But I could always rely on the people around me. I had my village; I had a community.

When a Village Shows Up at Your Front Door

―Beautiful, so you never had to carry it all on your own. How did the delivery go?

Literally, I was still vomiting while I was delivering. But as soon as the baby was out, that feeling vanished. I remember I couldn’t eat eggs while I was pregnant, but the moment they cut the umbilical cord, I suddenly craved an egg. It felt like those nine months of vomiting were finally over.

―Wow―that’s amazing. How did you feel when you first held your baby?

I remember my husband and I held her, and she was absolutely adorable. After a little while, we both felt hungry, and my husband looked at the time and realised, “We’ve been here for three hours.” I didn’t even notice the time passing; it just vanished.

―How sweet. From there, your motherhood journey began to evolve.

That’s right. When we returned from the hospital, my friends set up a group call to organise a food drive for me. In South Africa, we have a tradition where your friends take turns making meals for you, so you don’t have to cook for a while. I had meals delivered for four weeks.

―That’s such a lovely tradition.

Yes, and they don’t come into your home. They just leave the meals at your door. This way, if you’re not feeling well or your home isn’t tidy, it’s fine. They would drop off pasta and other dishes, which was wonderful.

―It’s an enormous help, isn’t it?

It really was. So during my postpartum period, I would wake up with my baby and take care of her, and after that, I’d just sleep with her. It didn’t feel like hard work because we were in a village. It’s quite common in South Africa. My mom also helped me during this time.

―You really were surrounded by love.

Definitely. In our country, villages are very important. We also have baby showers where you make a wish list, and people buy items for you. These items can be anything from inexpensive nappies to more costly bottles. The price doesn’t matter; it’s all about showing care.

―It’s amazing how practical kindness can be.

Exactly. In South Africa, we often invite friends over for meals as well. We have a tradition called a Braai, where everyone cooks meat together over an open fire. Everyone brings their own meat, salad, dessert, and drinks. The host only has to provide the charcoal. Most people take turns hosting, so on weekends, there might be two or three Braais.

―Again, what a lovely tradition.

We also have Pojie (po-yee-ki), which is a pot dish cooked outdoors over the fire. It’s typically made with vegetables and meat. While the kids are swimming, the parents would cook the Pojie and chat. It’s a very nice cultural experience.

―That sounds like a fantastic way to bring people together.

It definitely is. You’ll never go to South Africa and feel alone; someone will definitely notice you and want to chat.

→ Next: “We’re All Brothers and Sisters” — The People Who Helped Me Find My Way in Shanghai

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